I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
