I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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