I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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