I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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