and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Every concussion has its silver lining
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
