People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
