I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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