Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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