i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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