Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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