I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im six kinds of drunk right now
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
