I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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