Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
