Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
