I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
