I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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