He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
