If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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