I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
