I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
