can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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