You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
