I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
