So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
