3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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