Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
