in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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