You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
