that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
