Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
