I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
