It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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