I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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