every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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