Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Swine flu is the new snow day.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
