mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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