"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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