i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
