I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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