i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
