As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
