ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
