If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
