Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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