I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
