I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
