Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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