u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
