who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
