I got chris browned last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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